Awakening to being Enough

I awoke feeling a sense of urgency. A plea from many spaces and places all at once. The pleas have been walking with me since the beginning of the Corona Virus. There are so many things to account for, tend to, and be vigilant about.

Everything in the way life was running came to a halt. We were paying attention, reading, watching, listening. In truth, what is one really listening for? Some sense of ease. Or assurance that everything is going to be ok. How are the leaders of nations going to promise anyone assurance that all is going to be ok? That is a huge ask for something that they’ve never been up against before. This is all new. New to society, our consciousness, our way of existence.

“What are you asking of me?” I said.

Return us.

Give us back.

I sat with that for a minute, as I still wasn't sure who or what I was hearing. I began walking around my home and when I went to my altar, many of the treasures were the ones asking for my attention.

I felt confused and slightly taken off guard, as this a new place for me to be in. One that I am still feeling a little unsure about sharing. Is it ok to tell the world that I talk to rocks, and plants? I guess at this stage of the game of life, I am putting all my pieces onto the playing board. On occasion I will feel a nudge from something in my home asking to be gifted elsewhere. Never has it been a something from my altar. They're not objects, they're sacred medicine.

At times like these don't we need our medicine more? They assured me that they have given me all that was needed, and now It's time for them to be given to the Earth. With a slight hesitation, I packed up what I call the eagle head rock, the alien head rock, a piece of redwood, a pine cone and a piece of quartz. Outside, I gathered pieces of cedar, pine and bark. I felt unease of going to the woods. Mostly because of the request to social distance. It creates an uneasy feeling within me, as I am new to these rules. Knowing that I could be mindful, we headed into the woods.

I took them to land I have been tending for the last two years. I stepped onto the threshold with the intention that the location where each object is to be placed, please make itself known. In my heart I knew that I was not the one to choose or assume. I was being led.

I stepped through the threshold offering a prayer; what is the most I can give. Slowly opening my senses, the river was racing, as she was pressing upon the banks, and they rushed to meet her, emptying more cascades of water. The birds were hurried, as the clouds shifting between sun rays and lightening cracks. The sun kept peaking through, just long enough to encourage me deeper into the woods. The Eagle rock was urging to be placed near the river bank. As I unpacked, I tuned in more closely to my heart space. The closer I am to my heart the more generous my prayers. I speak prayers into each being before placing it. I could feel the Eagle coming to life as I lay each pine needle. First the head, then wings, then the heart and baby pine cone, moving down to the body of bark and cedar.

I felt much joy as I laid down each piece.

Eagle was near me all last year, helping me as I unwound from my conditioning of not being enough. Eagle repeatedly helped me take a new vantage point in my life. One that reminded me of my strengths, talents and swiftness to change course when needed. It is no coincidence that Eagle came as I was deepening my practices with working with the Winds. Eagle is a master in flight. It knows how to work with resistance and use it to it’s advantage. My belief of not being enough was serving me in the sense it kept me from taking more risks in my life. The resistance I kept working with was the new me coming into form, and slowly weaving the expired version into the basket of my selves.

As I was working with the Eagle sculpture, I began noticing hard spots in my heart that were needing tending. I have noticed this space resting in the center of my chest since the beginning of Covid 19. It feels like a constant weight. Each time I pay attention to this place, it is coming from grief. A deep sense of grief.

The rains begin to quicken their descent. Anyone who was left in the woods, now running back to their cars. The most I can give is to keep present to all that is arising in within during the storm.

The grief is from how much had to occur for things to change. A judgment of the way the human population continues to ignore the pleas from the natural world. As if one can bargain with life. I always thought of myself as someone who is hopeful. Thinking the best in most situations. But, I see that since the corona virus outbreak. I have not had concern for the Earth at all. My concern has been whether or not society can change its ways. To heal the thinking of man vs. nature, or man above nature. I feel grief for lost hope.

I’ve been judging myself for having these thoughts. As someone who isn’t enough, who am I, to be thinking or hoping for more from society. Am I giving all I can? Am I doing my part? Am I giving enough to the collective energies? It’s safe to assume, I wasn’t. Or maybe I was, and I refused to let that be good enough. Though I was placing the responsibility outwardly. I was also, in a state of helplessness for my own existence. Wrestling with how to give more, when I was giving at capacity. The way that things were heading, didn’t match the way I needed to respond.

I felt this constant push/pull happening from the inside out. A strong desire to be helpful, and equally desirous of not doing it the same way everyone else is doing it. How can I be of service, to offer value, when my way is octaves below the clamoring of online business models.

When I am aligned with the way that is most authentic to me, I am giving the best to other’s. But in order to do that I have to honor my own needs, and well being without pressures to sell, market, build, build, build. To what end?

The Eagle builds nests that can last upwardly of 35 years. It does so by adding more each season. With care, consideration and precision. That is how I wish to be of service. Not from a hurried, pressured place, but instead, one of great consideration and care. Tending to the beings in my life that speak and share their sacred medicine. It takes an opening of my senses to live in relation to more than the obvious. The rocks and twigs deserve as much of my attention and care as the human population I am serving. All are worthy of my respect.

These times we are facing come with a great cost and equally so a benefit. I am grateful for the way humanity is responding. That is all I've seen throughout this crisis, are people stepping up, doing what they can, where they can, with what they have, as best they can. We are all being asked at this time to return to remembering we are of the Earth.

I cannot think of anything to be more grateful for during a pandemic. Then the restoration of hope. Faith. And unity. You see I always thought it was the other guy that was separate that was creating division. I can see how it's been me projecting it onto others. With this awareness, I am reclaiming my place in the world in unity. I am embracing the realization that separation has been living inside of me. It was hiding out in my thoughts and beliefs. Mostly about not being enough. That one belief, separates me from all things. It limits my ability to connect. It stifles my ability to serve. It keeps me chasing and pursuing, instead of sitting still and sinking down in.

Just as the river was filled beyond capacity. She kept moving. She knew her place in every ripple, rapid and bank. She belonged to herself. She has purpose. Her being-ness is enough. And today while giving back those sacred beings to their origin. I reclaimed my origin. I laid with the sacred within.